!Friday, April 21, 2006
it's been busy busy few weeks. really. we can do with lesser tests, presentations, assignments and all d deadlines and what not. all these have resulted in me binge-ing on chocos everyday ( cus rand told me it was an anti-depressant) and then resulted in an outbreak of pimples. hahs. really. how smart of me.
few things that happened.
1. 13th april. mardi gras. which was quite okes. better den expected. :) many 35-ers performed and photowhoring was fun and mass dancing even fun-ner. though i left early to go rand's house and missed d rest of d mass dancing. BUT. latas elks, ivan, yokey,mab, zhu,xt,rachel and i went to watch d last movie at tm. (manday had to leave early :(( next time girl kes. ) take the lead was great! felt like dancing throughout d movie. karn sit still in my seat. hahas. mab mus be thinking am so spastic. hehs. me and ivan decided on learning TANGO after d movie. and elks is learning latin. whhheeee. we shall all go learn DANCE.
2. 14th april was mum's bdae. and we had dinner at kushin-bo. since it was a jap buffet and my all-time favourite is jap food, i really made sure i ate and ate and ate.hehs. and my parents had to drag me out cus i couldn't have enough of d desserts. was a really nice dinner despite a whole group of youths of abt our age, sitting beside us and making alot of noise playing cards. and this guy said bye to me before he left but walked away when i returned his smile with a 'i-don't-know-you' stare.
3. 15th april was manday's birthday bash at her house bbq pits. we started camwhoring again and amusing ourselves in d playground. hehs. HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY girl!! :) hope u'll love d shirt nessa and i got you. and d cake was really yummy :) oh..and benjamin was really nice..bbqing all d foods for us.
4. 16th april was grandpa's birthday celebration at sizzler. and i binged myself with d wonderful cold and hot bar again. my aunt was saying ' why karn u stop eating?' hahs. and another aunt sitting opposite me went ' i feel full just watching you eat.' hahs. sorry. karn help it. i love good food. :)
i wana say a big thankew to my friends who were there when i was down and lost d past few weeks. nessa, manday, ivan, elks,shings, zhu, xt, rong, yt and everyone else. really really. d care means alot alot to me :)) *hugGs. and really. i feel much better now..thankew you all :)
and now dat d bolt of tests have died down. i karn help but feel damn damn liberated.(i celebrated with d cutting of hair with manday and yokey).hahs. i wana scream! hahs. okes. i know there a shitload of assignments waiting for me to complete but im not touching my books. for now. :) d weekends awaits me!! :))
-photos of mardi gras and everything else coming up soon! :)
thankew dear for always being so supportive in everything. just knowing that you care. and care so much so much makes a load of difference :)
i want you in my arms ;
- 12:53 AM
!Sunday, April 02, 2006
when i was much younger. maybe not much. a girl in primary school. i was so easily contented. i remembered how taking a part of my meagre savings to buy a packet of bundung drink at d coffeeshop near my house could be so much of a joy. why had it become so different. i wished things never had to change so much. i ought to be contented. really.
was talking to kenneth korkor last night. one of those talks we always used to have, him seeing me growing up. we haven't had such a talk for a long time. feels good talking to him all over again. he has this comforting, soothing tone to his voice. so much so u just want to pour everything out to him and he'll embrace them, leaving u free-spirited again. but it was not quite. i can't pour out things like how i used to. suddenly everything seems all so complicated.
"my life is so busy yet so empty. i can't seem to find a balancing point in all these emptiness and busy-ness." he stared at me. d look a mixture of surprise and empathy. "but you look happy." i wish.
talking to yt was a load off my mind. thank you dear. it's comforting to have someone whom can connect so deeply with.
"you're looking for something, still bearing the hope. while i've stopped looking, that's why i feel so calm. no expactations, nothing. but you still feel." she said to me. i thought about it for awhile. but what im looking for never came to me. i don't know what. maybe it's just myself i have to find.
i ought to learn to treasure better.
"need a hand.im here.need a ear.im here. no matter what.i'll always stand-by your side"
-im sorry.
i can't expect you to help me. or anybody to, if i don't know what i want. it's not that i don't trust you. or hope to confide in you. i don't why, but i can't get d words out to you. i'll try better.i promise.
d onlookers just couldn't understand. and i have no expectations that they should. as if giving one dimensional instructions are so easy. study hard, sleep early and such. everyone is telling me to study hard study hard study hard. so much so that it irks me and make me even wana study less. it's so easy to say. i wish it is so simple. i wish everything is so simple.
she's just an eleven years old. and i wonder why i give her d ability to make me so angry, so sad, so disappointed, so irritated,so frustrated. maybe it's beacause i care. or cared too much.
and now there's so much screaming and crying while im typing this. i ought to be used to it. but suddenly im afraid. scared and loathing all that is going on. i want to scream STOP. my heart screams it. only that nobody's hearing it.
and outside d heavy storm drowns it all.
i don't know whats come over me suddenly. im blabbering too much. im sorry. i know i'll find it back. d part of me ive lost.
i want you in my arms ;
- 4:39 PM
