school's been so depressing and i seemed to have retreated back into my little unhappy self.


*


it seems like the more i studied, the more badly i do. then i'll ask myself. wth am i putting in so much effort for? im frigging upset. but i duno who to be upset with but myself. i chose to let him affect my moods during prelims. and not matter how much i studied or how hard i tried to, my heart wasn't there. but now i learnt better, im gona really let go. if not, ive noone to blame but myself.


*


i really hate school now. i mean..i love the 35ers and all my frens but it just sucks and makes no sense when u have to wake up at six to go for 2 lessons. it is esp senseless when my lessons start at 10 on days and ive more breaks den lessons really. and i have so many breaks in between, not being a morning person, not being a patient person, when ive nothing to do but rot for hours i get really grumpy.


*


d only thing that is keeping me going are my friends. ivan and nessa are really a funny pair. elks is always there for a nice warm hug. and ivan's been giving me neck massage the whole day. kukupok. manday..get well soon okes. today pr asked me: are you excited? sat is your birthday! and i suddenly realized ive forgotten abt my bdae. and sr was so cute. she was telling me smth and i just stared at her and she went "u didn't know? oops. is it meant to be a secret?" and krys have threatened that i keep my sat free.and this is what da jie said:

flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
u so mafan la
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
make us waste so many sms
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
hAHAHAHAHAHA
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
kidding la
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
anything for u!
--*pam. dance with me says:
hahahahs
--*pam. dance with me says:
really ahss
--*pam. dance with me says:
so u all have been silently being sneaky peaky behind me?
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
HAHAH
[flaccidtapewormwhacker] argh. says:
sneaky peaky yes!

awws. i love my besties. and i wonder what they are up to. hahs.


*

had sakae buffet with kenneth and we were competing who can eat more plates. i think im not bad! just one or two plates less than him. shall post the photos up next time. a total of like 25 plates, and abt 27 bucks worth of 'profits'. hahs. after which he made me walk to the other end of orchard just to get a tiny handphone pouch. now he owes me 9 ichogos.(i dun care).anws. he gave me a suggestion that if i do badly *touchwoods i can always enter the toilet institute that singapore is gona establish. they need young talents.


*


im feeling damn damn bleak. i needa find my rich old man. soon.

i want you in my arms ;
- 11:36 PM

hahas. im in such downright self-denial. i refused. refused to look at the geog answers and printed it and stuffed it into my file. refused to check d econs mcq ans and refused to have nessa tell me the ans. hahs. i wana have a good weekend.


i decided that this weekend is for family only weekend. cus i feel kinda guilty for not spending enough time with them and stuffs. so mum and dad said they book me for birthday treat on saturday. and mum made sure we try out the tao's restaurant. it's like a seven-course fusion dinner. and you've choices for each course. it's like so pampering and the food is really yummy. for a little while, i felt like a princess. :)


gona meet bestie leehui tmr and prob continue binging myself. tues will be outing with 35-ers (tcc elks? :) but ivan why must be after wednesday?isnt geog s tues?) and sakae buffet with ken on wed. dinner with korkor on fri. topped with cedele cake from dad coming weekend.yayness. i foresee myself becoming a pig by the end of this week.


i just felt my heart breaking into tiny tiny little pieces and i don't know why. why. why am i feeling this way. i hate this feeling. it's like i could literally feel my whole heart dropping. i don't like this one bit.

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:27 AM

okes. prelims is over at last. and i can do a little dance. hahs. karn believe i survived d prelims with all d crap going on.


*

kenneth was asking me to go eat sake buffet after his last paper (which was tuesday!) and i told him i'll feel guilty if i celebrate so early+ i hafen studied human geog at all + i have two more yucky papers. so anws. i told him ive break for like nxt mon, tues, wed. (i shld have known tj better) last night he went:


" auntie! congrats! tmr is ur last paper..haha. like finally! (thanks ahs) anws lets go for sushi on mon can?..."
"huhs. but i going out on mon..."
"in that case you wana eat tmr instead?..."
"my paper end like abt six?.."
"huh..den u better make it on mon! cos i've waited so long for you. you better make it..."


see. this is what happens when friends around you already had like one week break. and we're gona get one day. and i've already planned out my whole sat, sun,mon, tues, wed. post exam indulgence. and now? hello. we need a break. we deserve a break.

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:22 AM

sj, being a nice sweet senior and friend, wrote this for me, to comment on his blog but i shall be nice and not disturb their r/s. i think he wun understand anws.


sj wrote:

You know, when someone falls in love, the tedancy is that whatever shit he/she is exposed to, they all smell,taste and feels like flowers to a bee.
Been there done that.
Just a personal thought.
Looking at how the present seems to be @ perfect harmony with what had happened, which to me looks like a bee feeding on shit.


(i think he deserves a hug for that. smarty-ass:) )


Sijie. says:
i feel all so intelligent again
Sijie. says:
been a while
--*pam. dance with me says:
do i get credit for making you feel smart?
Sijie. says:
nope
Sijie. says:
haha
Sijie. says:
i motivated myself

(u're really kuku. but still nice :) )


and then i was reminded of how he accompanied me throughout the night with continous smses to keep me awake till d morning just so i could finish my assignments one day in sec.sch. and last yr, when i was worried about jc life, he went "don't worry. you'll get it slowly. everything will turn out fine" the simplicity of his assurance was so comforting. some friendships mean alot. (some immature ppl karn understand that)


*


ivan is seriously cracking up.

??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
pamela
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
we must go out after prelims
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
you can be my pseudogirlfriend
-*pam. dance with me says:
then if someone tells us to join d couple thing again.
--*pam. dance with me says:
we must say yes this time and then and win more money.
[??] °·Lebeau·° . . . . A lil penchant! . . Brink of Deliverance. says:
if they ask me whats your favourite colour, Ill say pink can!
--*pam. dance with me says:
no..i teach u arhs
--*pam. dance with me says:
mus say pink blue orange and white. hahs



and i was influenced by his kuku-ness.

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:40 AM

my blog isn't meant to "got(her)affected".i think you mean get affected.but anyways there's a reason for me writing in my blog instead of your blog(i think anyone with a few brain cells would realize that).and i duno what are your intentions for showing her my blog.(to have a pathetic alliance?)it is a channel for me to express my feelings not to affect her, nor the relationship. it's so freaking ironic that you showed her my blog and then congratulate her on not being affected.


*

to think that i wanted to be friends, to think that i wana leave things as it is. just when im at peace, you wana have more say. what to do, a libran karn have all the injustice blasted at her and her friends and not do anything.


*

"I shall remain the Evil Man in their Oh-So-Wonderful world then. "-yes, our world is more wonderful than yours because we treasure relationships and friendships more than you can understand. we love one another and do not turn our backs on one another in the *snap of the fingers. so if you depict urself as so pitiful, what's the other side of the story?that i left you, and you went on to show how pitiful you are only to get attached the next day? really, it shows how true your feelings were.


*



"Dar dar u already said she just a 小妹妹, so wat for iwill spoil my mood just cuz of a 小妹妹.. No matter wat happen, life still goes on..peace.." bad linguistic skills aside, i maybe xiaomeimei in the eys of you OLDUNCLE AND OLDAUNTIE, but you know what, i don't see the extent of ur maturity in ur thinkings at all. so dun compare ages. if you freaking think im 'just' a xiaomeimei im gona let your mere pathetic remark pass cus im more than 'just' that-intelligence included.if you think that ages determine how mature one is, may i just say how ignorant you are? and you are an apt example of how the theory is wrong. oh. and it would be much appreciated if you would stop ur relentless and constant 'she is just too young', at least four times in a post? because being young is an asset, your undermining tone is just unacceptable.on the other hand, it is ur blog so u have the freedom and i shan't be pissed. jus like this is my blog. need i spell it in your faces?

*

"Nessa: You are loved beyond your own comprehension! By everyone around. HUGGSS. Love you girl!"
how friendships and relationships support the characters in it, the depth of the meanings is something that is difficult to grasp, and seeing how you never would, im sorry to say that if you have anything against my friends that it is pitiful to be against the innocence of friendships.kenneth asked why i liked "this kind of old man" and another friend was saying that "his english is so bad how can you stand it?" i've never depised you for being a dirty old man..oops. i mean look down on you for being an older man, which is why ive never mentioned these in my earlier posts but why should you and esp the 'dar' pick on my age? "just a xiaomeimei" now it just says just what you are.


*


if you are ashamed of knowing me, lets just say that im ten times more regretful than you are. and ur 'dar's' snide remarks isn't gona help much.


*


omygosh. i just wana exclaim at how some people are so pathetically immature, failing to understand profound relationships yet rant on and on about how im insufficient cus im younger. your arguement is just downright denial.i dun claim to know all about relationships but i know how to love my friends and family and treasure them.now how much do you know to judge me?

*

"he folded his fear into a perfect rose. He held it out in the palm of his hand. She took it from him and put it in her hair" -acceptance is more than what you see on the surface. would you ever understand?

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:37 PM

i love my buds and my friends so so much! the 35ers. esp. nessa and manday never fail to crack me up. yt never fails to amuse and confuse me with her relentless 'how?' and elks and jean and krys and san are just fantastic. ivan gives big hugs without questioning me. uncle ken asked me to binge with him for stress relieve.i love them.really really.


*


that day, in a culmination of everything, i broke down and my parents were super shocked cus i always seem so composed. hahas. daddy had me on his lap and rocked me like a baby and told me with a kiss that "no matter what, mummy and daddy love you" and i wish they would know that i love them alotalot too.


*


so ive come out of my depressed little self. cus i found so much more to life. and everything's gona be better. cus there's gona be binging with nessa and manday. (other ppl too?) and shopping with besties. and elks have found d place to learn our dances. she asking me to learn hiphop. and i shall make her learn new jazz. and i wana wana learn salsa! and then there will be travelling with the 35-ers. and yt to rome? (girl, we really need our rich old men?) hahs. and there's gona be crusing with my bestest buds. mans. i karn wait for d frigging a's to be over!


*


you know, ive this weird urge to hug someone whenever someone holds d umbrella for me. hahs. act. it's not that weird cus yt feels the same way! that day it was raining heavily and ivan was reciting some lines from d pc exam "okes.me and pamela are lovers under the arch-bridge so you must be Time and pretend to cough!" when all he did was cover my face with the umbrella.i love my friend! and that time when zhu was sharing umbrella with me at bedok, i wanted so much to give her a big warm hug, but i think she wld have just dropped the umbrella in shock. and when i was in sec2, some random senior offered to shelter me with his umbrella and i wanted to hug him and say "thankew!" but i think he'll think me mad. hahs. but i just wana say that i suddenly feel so loved and that i do appreciate the people around me alot. *bows.


*


listening to PCD's sway and i really karn wait to open myself and express myself thru DANCE. hahs. iyas. freak d damn exams.


*


im sorry for my outburst. it just seemed so foolish now. and when i said "you should repect her and her body" he actually said "haha.sorry. she's my kind" and i just felt disgusted. a girl that does not respect her body garners no respect. i mean how many days have it been. but it's not my business now. im just glad im out of it all. and ken was frigging funny when he saw d photo he went "she pretty meh?!" hahs. now you're asking me.i mean no offence to the girl cus she did nth wrong to me. i'll just be a bystander now and hope things work for them. lalalas~


*


thankew my friends. nessa..d long talk was really good. maybe next time u can shop for leggings with me too! im feeling so much better now. like my heart that has been held down for so long that i feel suffocated has been finally released! i karn wait to go dance. :) loves. shits. im been frigging slack ever since duno when. tell me why do i think the prelims are over? okes. it's football time!

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:29 AM

looking back, i am too silly, too stupid, too ignorant.
now i know better and am gona live better.


karn wait to dance. karn wait to spend more time with my buds and family after all this shit. pms+breakup+prelims. am gona play myself silly to celebrate my birthday soon. :)


he needed a new r/s badly cus he's just gt a little heart dat is unwilling to love others. dat's prob why he was so insecure in d r/s. it's not good to be so emotionally reliant on d other party. i wish he'll see d importance of friends one day for he always say he doesn't need one.i love my friends and family so much and im grateful for having such loving people in my life. they are just so important.


if he's gona put me down. he's so wrong. im gona make him regret what he's said and did. am gona live life like never before, espcially after d a's. i'll be more than 'adorable'.

i want you in my arms ;
- 11:24 AM

that day, in my excitement to show him something, i pulled his wrist just like i would to any other friend.i think he mistood me and tried to hold my hand.i dropped his wrist. feeling guilty. even for such a little action like this. for being too close to someone too soon.


FREAK CAN. i wonder what i am feeling guilty for being close to my guy friends for or even being upset and guilty for having "broken his heart". u noe wad. U SUCK. yes YOU. okes ppl who know me would know im not d kind who swear around. but you know what. YOU ARE A FRIGGING JERK. DUN GO AROUND SHOWING HOW PITIFUL YOU ARE, saying a heart that i broke cannot be mend again when d next day you go and get urself attached. and if dat frigging photo is meant to make me jealous. you know what. it just made me frigging pissed. pissed at myself for being so silly so stupid at having been upset FOR NOTHING. and u frigging dare to add there that ' TO THINK I JUST BROKE UP WITH PAM' like HELLO. U DID NOT BREAK UP WITH ME. I CHOSE TO LEAVE U! IT CHILDISH CAN. and makes it seem very on pupose.idiot.now you please go to hell. and i want to have nothing. NOTHING to do with you. I HAVE NEVER HATED SOMEONE SO MUCH in my life. U FRIGGING ASS IN THE HEAD. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. i never want to see u again. and i seriously wish d girl GOOD LUCK.and u better treat the girl with more RESPECT. (you frigging know what i mean).and i dun care if u get frigging angry if you ever read this. I HATE YOU.


okes. im not going to frigging break down and be upset anymore. i should now go and congratulate myself for having release myself from you. i frigging dunwana have anything to do with you anymore.to think im upset even admidst all d stress of prelims. damnit. why am i so friggin ignorant?


IF YOU ARE TRYING TO FULFIL THE 'you will regret it!' thing for me breaking up with you or trying to get back at me. you know what. im gona friggin make you regret it even more.


okes. pam is gona be herself again. no more this bloddy guy taking up her life. FREAK YOU.

i want you in my arms ;
- 3:11 AM

OMYGOSH.


im so freaking dead. whats d point of studying when all u studied doesn't come out like u think it would. or the moment you get d paper every piece of information flies out of d head.all d papers so far-JUST SUCKS. like friggin alot alot.


damnit. the feeling sucks. i feel useless and stupid. ms j. gona go ' pamela im so disappointed and shocked in you' again. or rather she'll prob say ' i duno what to do with you anymore' this time.


talking with shings and zhu on d bus and we were ranting abt how bleak d future is. shings was thinking of being a flight stewardess. i think i can go become a road sweeper. *sighs.

i want you in my arms ;
- 5:21 AM

just pull d trigger. and shoot me. please.


i suddenly found myself fervently wishing there's no tomorrow. it feels like a deep, yearning desire that is crying out loud. and i want it so much.


this is hardly me. i don't know myself anymore.

i want you in my arms ;
- 11:46 AM

i hope you'll read this.even if you hate me. just like i'll still read ur journal everyday.


6 months 10 days.


i had always been a perfectionist. my close friends have always said that of me. i aim for too much, want too much. sometimes. and if i had no confidence of doing something well, i won't do it.


im sorry i didn't have time for the relationship. or put in as much commitment as i would like to. i tried to free up whatever time i had to spend with you, i tried to show you how much i cared through little means now and then, i thought having you on my mind was enough. apparently, it isn't. i didn't want to be selfish. i could choose to be selfish and concentrate on my studies and settle anything after that but the reason i didn't is because there's a possibility of you finding someone better during this time. and i dunwan to be an obstacle. don't say you won't have a girlfriend after me, cos, you'll never know about the future. maybe even before i finish my exams, you'd found a new girlfriend? and then, i 'll stick out my tongue, laugh at you and say " see i told you so."


i hope you won't hate me as much as time passes. if i karn be The Ex-girlfriend nor The Friend, i hope i could at least be an accquintance, and that you would still talk to me.


i desire a happier ending. please?


look on d brighter side. didn't you say i always don't understand you? you need someone who could understand you better. and im sure you'll find the person soon enough. love isn't enough in reality. isn't about how rich u are or nots. i loved you alot. but you and i both know, there need to be a connection and we have so very different thinkings.


you claimed that i broke your heart, but you'll probably get over me faster than i do, the first relationship is almost never forgettable, while the fifth probaby isn't. i believe. you'll always have that special place in my heart.


still, i hope i can do something to make up for everything.
and i want you to know, that deep down inside, i really realy treasured everything you've done for me and everything you've given me. memories and all.
if there's anything i can do to make things better, anything at all, please tell me.
i karn promise i'll be able to do it, but'll try my best.


thank you. for the beautiful dance.
brief, but beautiful.

i want you in my arms ;
- 3:33 AM

omygosh. this is super hilarious! go watch go watch!! :)

i want you in my arms ;
- 9:31 AM

i had a semblance of my voice back. :) yayness. at least now i crooked d songs. ive been wanting to sing so much!

*

my sista and i were hidding in d corner snacking on crispy seaweed (yummy tomyam flavour!) cus we are supposed to be abstaining from all these due to our coughs. we spot a spying mother raising her eyebrows at us. *sniggers. it feels good to feel like a little five-year-old kid again. :)


*

stupid occasional 11-hr fren has got me addicted to princess hours on youtube. arghs. hahs. he ought to be slapped.

*

i have this immense urge to go dancing everytime i hear a dance-able song. i karn wait for d a's to be over! and i shall enrol myself in new jazz dance classes. soon soon.


*

my attitude towards studying now is-i karn be bothered anymore. for the whole week i was sick i realized that one is nothing without health. i am happier with this attitude. not neccessarily good but at least i'll live longer.


*

his superficial words flowed past me, and im past caring. if it was meant to stir up any emotions at all, he's failed miserably.


*

i karn wait for prom! with the wacky 35-ers. yayness! :)

i want you in my arms ;
- 5:22 AM

damn. im friggin sick.
first a bout of coughs. den sore throat. den coughs. den terrible terrible running nose.den fever. den coughs plus running nose. and now fever again.
ive been taking and taking panadol cold relief.
and it mks me sleep like nobody's business. and i should be studying. *sighs.


i just read zhangzhao's blog. and omygosh. she has her own big car! and to think that just two years back we were mugging for our o's together. how time flies! i think she's doing really well in canada. and im happy for her really :)


now now. what have i done wrong again?

i want you in my arms ;
- 7:20 AM