im afraid.im really afraid.
for the first time in my life. ive lost d slightest confidence ive had.
looking back, i must have been a brilliant little girl. making it to em1, making it to SAP school, making it to pure sciences, making it to college. i wondered how i did it.
and after all these years ploughing into the books, im feeling this immense sense of exhaustion. physically, mentally, emtionally.
and all i want is a good long sleep.



and i know how silly it would be if i were to give up now but what am i do to, ive zero faith, zero confidence,zero motivation.
and i can no longer bluff myself that this would be d last of sufferings like i did for o's cus i know it isnt so.
and i was too ignorant, too naiive.



and then im so afraid of not living up to expectations.
cus sadly,it is not just about me.
you can say 'oh, why bother about people's expectations?'
because, you and i both know, in reality, it's not all about me.



ive always been the good girl that toe the line. and while d relatives at my dad's side had ambiguous lives i was d grandaughther that my grandparents could hold in their palms like a prized gift, every year, every chinese new year.i was the studious little girl that d long line of family members, tens and tens of them ask after every year. about my results and about my ambitions. and everytime it was as if my ambitions are put out onto display, discussed and rejected upon.
they wanted me to be much more.
and how am i supposed to make them see im nothing more than an average girl producing less than mediocre results.
and more recently, it has been my private life that is under the light, all d big aunties small aunties and uncles and whatsnots, i believe that whether im attached ornot is none of ur bigfat business.



my parents never dictates what i have to be, they leave me to be, simply because they think i'll always do well.
and i cringe at each time they use me as an example for my sista cus im really nothing.
and now my sista fails her CA again, it worries me, pains me. i dunwan her to have to go thru all ive been thru.
feeling nothing. nothing in the end.


if i die now, i'll only be semi-satisfied. not semi -happy. i noe u can ' choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad' (manday) but too bad. more often than not there are so many things that govern our choices.
and it is not all about me.


kenneth has been asking to study with him. everyday, without fail he'd ask. and ive been not doing do cus i jus came now with a flu bug (yes, amanday another innocent victim joining u in d flu bug battle). and i feel really bad for not going. and elks too and yt and ngxin and leehui..im sorry.i just karn study outside.. not like i can study at home too. but. oh wells.
oh..thankew nessa girl for ur encouraging words. really really.


i don't know what's happen to us. you said that ive eyes that speak. maybe it isn't such a good thing after all. eyes that betray me. it depends very much on what the person reads in them isn't it. and if u think u didn't like what you see, im sorry.


i need some time with myself. to straighten this damn life of mine. to love the people i should love, who love me.

i want you in my arms ;
- 11:11 PM

"combien tu m'aimes?"
he asked.
and what am i to say..
few steps too late...my friend.


study break. sucks.
i feel so indifferent. so unmotivated.
like ive this big fat inertia to not study. it sucks sucks sucks.


it wasn't like that when i was taking d o's.
damn. i feel angsty. like a little angsty kid.


uncle ken is scaring me. he practically kisses his physics practice book.
and really, who cares about d mass of saturn. hahs.


meeting up with yueting after a long while was really good and relaxing. just a good lunch and a talk with ur best fren is all you need sometimes.
i miss d good ol' times. loads.


if only of only i could live again. all over again.
i promise. it would never be like this.

i want you in my arms ;
- 5:01 AM

this was a horrible week.

mon was monday blues. and dreading geog remedial day.


tues was a terrible terrible long day with me spending like twelve hours in the hot hot hot school.


wed i was too tired and was having terrible tummy so i skipped morning and went to school for civics and d gp paper. which, i agree with sista, most people would not be in d mood to think anyways. and it was another day ending at 5 plus.


thurs was 2.4. so i got my a. not very good a but satisfied enough. and really really i have so many people to thank. thankew issac for taking my timing and stuff. and he looked so genuinely concern after my run. think i was too pale. but i was really okes. just quite breatheless. and i was okes even after i gave my position card and queued again to give manday's. den suddenly, when a grp of us were looking at the board i had this immense sharp pain in my tummy. and everything in front of me became a blurred. i really really am thankful for yokey, manday, zhu, mab and xiaoting for being there for me when i was in one of my weakest times and in a i-just-wana-flop-on-the-floor and die mood. they were so sweet lahs. sitting with me and helping me bring my bag from the gallery. and all d people who were so concerned too like shings and rach. i love 35. all d support and everything.it meant so much.and all d friends who asked after me..amanda leong..cheryl..mans. i am blessed. :)


fri is GOST test and econs test.busy busy week.


but it's over!! yayness. except that ive to be at nus early in the morn and that d stupid push prelims one week earlier thing totally ruin my friday mood. dammnit.

i want you in my arms ;
- 10:43 PM

i wana be dancing like every step, every gesture has a purpose. i wana be standing on the streets, watching the children play and laugh with them. i'll like to be smiling gleefully at babies, like i love life. i'll like to be reading the papers like every word, every story has its meaning. i'll like to jump into water puddles and look back thinking how silly i've been. i'll love to take a stroll in d drizzle thinking about nothing.i'll love to be tasting foods like i have all the time in d world to enjoy them.


i would like to live life like i mean it.
i need freedom.
i need to breathe.


but everything is just quick quick quick (quoting yt). get it over and done with. i karn wait for this tutorial to end. i karn wait for this school day to end. i karn wait to finish this page of notes.i karn wait for friday to come. i karn wait for prelims to end. i karn friggin wait for d damn a's to be over.


why is d damn a's so friggin more irritating den d o's.


i wish to be genuinely happy.
im this close - to breaking point.

i want you in my arms ;
- 5:29 AM

the fireworks by france was really really pretty. only that i had to squeeze with almost the whole singapore populace on d bridge and breathing into the hair of d lady in front of me. (she friggin gave me a scorn look when i asked her really really politely to move alittle into d space in front of her). how nice singaporeans are. and i karn move a tiny single inche without hitting anyone. when i politely said 'excuse me' another lady shouted 'you excuse also no use!' broken english+ broken attitude.


singaporeans aside, d fireworks are worth all d squeezing, really. and because i aren't very tall, i karn see d 'low' fireworks so rand had to carry me. hahs. yahs. i know. time for me to lose some weight. our original plan was to have me sitting on d shoulders, which would be more weight-less. but we didn't want to block d baby behind us. now that is nice singaporeans for you.


after which we went to circular rd's tcc (yayness. 2nd time dis week.hahs). and den sat at d singapore river to enjoy d very nice wind.


yesterday, went running with dad to train with him for his 10km competition. damn. it's like 4 days to my 2.4 and i was tired jus after running 2 km. no good. at all. at this rate my timing is damn bad. i believe age is catching up on me.


ive just been told by issac that im not usely my time wisely. uh-huhhs. issac telling me that.hais. i think, like him, i know i need to do something. but knowing and doing is just so different and im always so full of excuses to myself. why.


im so easily irritated these days. it's not good. im not even pms-ing.
im living on such a short fuse.

i want you in my arms ;
- 10:12 AM

i mus be the worst daughter. the worst girlfriend. the worst friend. the worst student anyone could have.


*

i feel darn bleak.
im sorry. i karn help it.


*


i must have been too ugly for you. for myself. and everyone else.


*

i didn't meant to yell. i didn't know why i did. im sorry. i really am. i ought to be nicer to everyone. i am blessed. i am.

i want you in my arms ;
- 2:24 PM

so i skipped the national day celebrations in college and slept way into the afternoon in all display of my patriotism. after which i met up with nessa and elks and we went to meet the 35ers. (ching, rach and manday) and pam teo and jenny at circular's tcc. i love that place. and since tcc is offering one-for-one desserts for card members, elks, nessa and me went quite high while indulging ourselves in choco-laden, tinged with alcohol and happiness filled desserts. yumms. and then we ended up at soup spoon and chatted for a while den everyone went ahead with appointments and stuffs.


i met up with rand. coveniently. like soup spoon was 10 steps from his office building. hahs. and we watched click.like elks predicted. i love it. cus i can really relate to it. i cried like alot. i mean..it made me realized some things. things that i have long forgotten and neglected. watch it if you haven't yahs..it think it's quite worth d money. laugh-able and cry-able.anws..we went to watch at suntec, for covenience sake but we found oursleves squeezing with a whole bucha crowd at cityhall. i swear, d whole citylink was so crowded. d station made a very funny annoncement "d station is flooding. if you are not boarding a train, please leave" smth like that. and i was laughing alot at d 'flooding' bit. so it turned out that there was fireworks display. which was a blessing and not. we managed to catch abit of it after d movie but not d full view cus was blocked by a hotel. anws. i really preferred to watch in dat location, in d nice open space with jus a few people and d night breeze in my face than squeezing with d whole s'pore populace. however. mans. you have seen how crowded citylink was after d fireworks. it was scary. people was flowing in from all exits. luckily we came a little earlier and grabbed seats from gelare for waffles.yayness. and d queue after that was out of gelare and so was tcc's. mans. i think half of singapore was out.to get away from d crowd in d station, after gelare, we went to walk at raffles city. more people! everyone was eating at d basement. (i love d new basement). so we gave up. d throngs of people made us head-achy. in end we had to take d train to redhill and travel back again. really. it was impossible to get up d train even hours after d fireworks.


ohh. and so happy birthday singapore!
and happy birthday nessa! (glad u love d prezie :) )
and a very happy one to ivan too! :)
and happy birthday to mab too! *hugs
and happy happy belated birthday to prisy!


*

i would love to have something i could believe in.
anything.

i want you in my arms ;
- 12:45 AM

i thought it was possible.


i thought i could juggle everything.


family.friends.boyfriend.academics.activities.myself.


im so wrong.
i overstimate myself.
too badly. too much.


*


clara just told me ive done d wrong desert essay. it's nice of her to tell me d mistake..but..yucks. ive to do another essay. which just sucks. and im going out later. plus im using d comp now with no intention to move.so no hoorays to d added work.



weekends are almost ending and ive just welcomed it with open arms. damn. my life is so pathetic yearning and yearning for the weekends to come each week. i feel as if i really couldn't take another school day.
the worse it gets. the worse it gets. (isn't roy getting to all of us?)


so friday,after lit make up, me and manday and issac went to cut our hair instead. cus nessa had a movie to catch and we weren't in time to go tcc-ing,sadly. and latas tingxi, ivan and their art friend met up with us. and we rotted, chatted and treated ourselevs to nice pastries,pies,cakes and whatnots at cedele at frankel avenue. it's a really nice place with pretty bakeries and cosy places (like cedele) to spend a cosy evening with friends. and latas i parted with them to meet rand to specially deliver to him very yummy banana walnut cake.


anws. a degression. i was at d bustop when these two boys were contemplating on getting my number. im not being al-mighty here thinking im very fine and stuff. but i am d only person at d bus-stop. and they reprimanded each other in mandarin for not approaching me when i went up d bus. the main point is, im insulted can. they are secondary school boys. and i mus be at least 3 years older than them. enough to be their jiejie. arghs. tell me i am more mature then it seems please.


*


the two of us were jus walking and talking. two very simple actions. he was nudging me cus he wanted to show me smth. a very very simple action. and then she, behind us, went " you two should just get a room". i hope she's not being serious..cus that comment is quite bad. i don't know why we give people the idea that we're very close. im really closer to my girlfriends.


*


i don't know why things are turning out this way. why mus we be in disagreement every week? i don't know how to make you understand or explain it to you. i karn emphasize enough that i do care. and care alot. there are many many many things i want to tell you, ask you. but i know your temperamental behaviours won't allow it. sometimes, i don't know how to say stuffs cus i don't know how u'll react. im very very afraid cus your mood swings faster then a pendulum.so i keep things to myself. as much as i would like to share them wih you. and then i was told i should never keep anything to myself. but what am i to do when you get upset over things i say? and overtime, things just get shut in. i don't know why and i don't know how. but im learning to open myself up again. im trying. sometimes, you leave me so helpless, i don't know what to do, who to turn to. i thought you'll know, i thought you'll understand. but im just too complacent it seems. baby, you don't know how much i care. believe me please.


*


i think im going to collapse anytime. just take all away, everything.
and if i fall, would someone catch me?

i want you in my arms ;
- 4:30 PM