!Sunday, April 02, 2006
when i was much younger. maybe not much. a girl in primary school. i was so easily contented. i remembered how taking a part of my meagre savings to buy a packet of bundung drink at d coffeeshop near my house could be so much of a joy. why had it become so different. i wished things never had to change so much. i ought to be contented. really.
was talking to kenneth korkor last night. one of those talks we always used to have, him seeing me growing up. we haven't had such a talk for a long time. feels good talking to him all over again. he has this comforting, soothing tone to his voice. so much so u just want to pour everything out to him and he'll embrace them, leaving u free-spirited again. but it was not quite. i can't pour out things like how i used to. suddenly everything seems all so complicated.
"my life is so busy yet so empty. i can't seem to find a balancing point in all these emptiness and busy-ness." he stared at me. d look a mixture of surprise and empathy. "but you look happy." i wish.
talking to yt was a load off my mind. thank you dear. it's comforting to have someone whom can connect so deeply with.
"you're looking for something, still bearing the hope. while i've stopped looking, that's why i feel so calm. no expactations, nothing. but you still feel." she said to me. i thought about it for awhile. but what im looking for never came to me. i don't know what. maybe it's just myself i have to find.
i ought to learn to treasure better.
"need a hand.im here.need a ear.im here. no matter what.i'll always stand-by your side"
-im sorry.
i can't expect you to help me. or anybody to, if i don't know what i want. it's not that i don't trust you. or hope to confide in you. i don't why, but i can't get d words out to you. i'll try better.i promise.
d onlookers just couldn't understand. and i have no expectations that they should. as if giving one dimensional instructions are so easy. study hard, sleep early and such. everyone is telling me to study hard study hard study hard. so much so that it irks me and make me even wana study less. it's so easy to say. i wish it is so simple. i wish everything is so simple.
she's just an eleven years old. and i wonder why i give her d ability to make me so angry, so sad, so disappointed, so irritated,so frustrated. maybe it's beacause i care. or cared too much.
and now there's so much screaming and crying while im typing this. i ought to be used to it. but suddenly im afraid. scared and loathing all that is going on. i want to scream STOP. my heart screams it. only that nobody's hearing it.
and outside d heavy storm drowns it all.
i don't know whats come over me suddenly. im blabbering too much. im sorry. i know i'll find it back. d part of me ive lost.
i want you in my arms ;
- 4:39 PM
