!Monday, August 28, 2006
im afraid.im really afraid.
for the first time in my life. ive lost d slightest confidence ive had.
looking back, i must have been a brilliant little girl. making it to em1, making it to SAP school, making it to pure sciences, making it to college. i wondered how i did it.
and after all these years ploughing into the books, im feeling this immense sense of exhaustion. physically, mentally, emtionally.
and all i want is a good long sleep.
and i know how silly it would be if i were to give up now but what am i do to, ive zero faith, zero confidence,zero motivation.
and i can no longer bluff myself that this would be d last of sufferings like i did for o's cus i know it isnt so.
and i was too ignorant, too naiive.
and then im so afraid of not living up to expectations.
cus sadly,it is not just about me.
you can say 'oh, why bother about people's expectations?'
because, you and i both know, in reality, it's not all about me.
ive always been the good girl that toe the line. and while d relatives at my dad's side had ambiguous lives i was d grandaughther that my grandparents could hold in their palms like a prized gift, every year, every chinese new year.i was the studious little girl that d long line of family members, tens and tens of them ask after every year. about my results and about my ambitions. and everytime it was as if my ambitions are put out onto display, discussed and rejected upon.
they wanted me to be much more.
and how am i supposed to make them see im nothing more than an average girl producing less than mediocre results.
and more recently, it has been my private life that is under the light, all d big aunties small aunties and uncles and whatsnots, i believe that whether im attached ornot is none of ur bigfat business.
my parents never dictates what i have to be, they leave me to be, simply because they think i'll always do well.
and i cringe at each time they use me as an example for my sista cus im really nothing.
and now my sista fails her CA again, it worries me, pains me. i dunwan her to have to go thru all ive been thru.
feeling nothing. nothing in the end.
if i die now, i'll only be semi-satisfied. not semi -happy. i noe u can ' choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad' (manday) but too bad. more often than not there are so many things that govern our choices.
and it is not all about me.
kenneth has been asking to study with him. everyday, without fail he'd ask. and ive been not doing do cus i jus came now with a flu bug (yes, amanday another innocent victim joining u in d flu bug battle). and i feel really bad for not going. and elks too and yt and ngxin and leehui..im sorry.i just karn study outside.. not like i can study at home too. but. oh wells.
oh..thankew nessa girl for ur encouraging words. really really.
i don't know what's happen to us. you said that ive eyes that speak. maybe it isn't such a good thing after all. eyes that betray me. it depends very much on what the person reads in them isn't it. and if u think u didn't like what you see, im sorry.
i need some time with myself. to straighten this damn life of mine. to love the people i should love, who love me.
i want you in my arms ;
- 11:11 PM
