!Wednesday, May 02, 2007
am very lost.
this is so not me. i always thought i knew what i wanted. i was the eldest child and was brought up to be independent. i always made d decisions. sometimes, i do make the wrong ones. only that now, ive no idea what to decide on.
i dont know if i should go to this course just cus it's competitive and i had a worrying time wondering if i passed d interview, or go into this uni cus everyone is urging me to go, saying that it's career-wise choice or into this other uni cus it simply allows me to take d subjects i like.
i karn bear to even think. cus this wrong step. another wrong step. and i may regret it for the next three, four years and maybe down my whole career path.
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i hate my office. there are not many things i hate in this world. but i really hate my office. cus it's scary. it's bitchily scary. hypocritically scary. i detest it. but ive bills to pay, lessons to go for, my family to think about. i can't afford to suddenly go penniless because i decide throw in the towel and scream 'i quit'. because things aren't that easy anymore.
so this colleague has been trying to be difficult with me. not telling me things that d boss told her to tell me so that it becomes my fault when things are not done. keeping original copies of documents so that ive to give the boss d faxed copies and being told off later when she gave d boss d originals. and d office is really a bitchy place. this person dont like this person, that person don't like that person. so much so that i don't know who to trust anymore. and im being told 'never to trust anyone. never trust the suppliers' while i used to believe ' trust a person until he makes you lose the trust you have in him'. i hate working in that kind of environment. i feel very stifled. you understand? i feel like every step i take, i may unknowingly step onto a landmine. cus everything i do, is never right. i feel like it's making me lose my beliefs, making me cynical.
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and the last thing i need when i reach home is to enter a warzone. let her be if she doesnt wana study. does shooting words at one another help? does it make her understand, does it make d home a happier place? does it?
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you know, a mutual friend once told me you're the kind that will vent ur anger on others while i will jus vent d anger on myself. these few days, ive found your ever-changing moods increasingly difficult to accept. and it doesnt help that everyone keeps asking me to take care of you. it's like im responsible for you. you know i do care for u alot, as a fren, just like you do care for me. so much so that we lament sometimes that we're like lesbians and you laugh about how much i sound like your boyfriend. but i jus don't like it when they KEEP asking me to take care of you. because even if i they don't tell me to, i will. and you know i hate it when people tells me what to do. and i dont know how when at work, someone has just been really horrid to me and i just feel like exploding and im being told to take care of you at the same time, onmsn. because maybe i may look 10 times stronger, but i maybe deep inside i need a wonderwall after all? and i karn pour my troubles to you like i used to because things have changed. i tried telling you that but you just passed it off with 'siao' .and you have your troubles to trouble over. i tried to help you but you feel that i dont understand. maybe i really karn see it the way you do. i dont know how. and today, you dont know how hurt i was can. i think you didn't realize.
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if i didnt hear wrong, you said 'hello love' over d phone d other day. im not your love anymore you getit? and you've shown me how easy it is to forget about about me. i don't care how you speak to other girls. you cant call me your love. just not me okies?
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a person is making me very stressed and i don't know who to tell him. ahhs.
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clara jus told me recently that she wished she'd have half of d happiness in me. and jake told me how seeing me gives a postive spin to his day. and james told me how i always look very happy. i wonder what makes them think im so happy. if i look so happy, i supposedly have d ability to make myself happy? can i have the ability now? please?
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im feeling friggin ugly
i want you in my arms ;
- 7:52 AM
